WRITTEN BY XIAO MEI // CAPTURED BY WYZE
“You’re fine with them but they’re not your favorite. They’re comfy but they’re not very flattering. You know they’re sort of over but you hang onto them. With them, you look like you almost have your life together. They’re great on Fridays, but not suitable for the rest of the week. They are your khakis.”
- Jessica Hagy
I’ve had women come to me asking if they should partake in a “friends with benefits” relationships and I’ve never answered no. We as women can control our boundaries and set expectations in ways that will not make us feel used. So when agreeing to this temporary lifestyle, it is another form of personal empowerment and growth.
After reading my naked thoughts, if you attempt a “FWB” relationship, get ready to shed a few soft tears, accidentally run into your partner’s family, keep a couple secrets behind closed doors, but also get excited to explore fun avenues within your sensual playground. Most importantly, if you do this the right way, get ready to have a lifelong friend who will always be in your corner.
I boldly say if you are in a rugged mental state and your intimate status is emotionally unstable, please disregard everything in today’s post. Instead read this. But if you’re still reading, being rebellious and all, that’s totally fine. Just be able to hold your own.
So Here. (clap) We. (clap) Go. (clap)
Setting Your Boundaries & Making It Known
Truth be told, the man I shared benefits with was someone I originally visualized committing to. I wanted to grow with him as a lover, not just friends. I hoped to be claimed as his, but soon within months of our friendship - he was mine for only a season. So, I learned to embrace that time with him.
Having a “FWB” went against my faith as a Christian. It was lustful. I often wavered in my decision making and contemplated the consequences, but I had a determined mindset that “no strings attached” was something I wanted to try. Once I immediately gave consent to it, it was difficult to comprehend what I actually said yes to. It was a different type of ride…
“Is this really happening?”
Finding Common Ground
Like planting any flower in a garden, in order for it to flourish the plant needs every essential: water, sunshine, oxygen, soil, etc. In order to nurture a healthy “FWB” relationship, there must be common ground between the two. Every “FWB” needs an open communication system, common attractions, consistent agreements, compatibility with friction and an open mind from each partner that’s capable of understanding the other person’s feelings.
For us, we made a priority to check in on each other. Not just for a quick feel good, but to genuinely confide in comfort within one another. It was a way of escape to remain sane. Doing so never gave the other the impression we were being used.
(Hint: If you struggle to openly communicate anything with your potential FWB, you might as well consider an ONS then keep it moving.)
The Forbidden Rule: Sharing With Others?
“Will we still do this once you settle down with someone?”
Me: “Absolutely not. I don’t play that.”
Of course every relation is different, but we discussed if I went into a serious relationship with a man that all ties would be cut off sexually. For him it was a different story.
Without asking, my FWB kept me updated on other women he sought interest in. He’d awkwardly asked for my opinion and my honest answer about them. I’d respond whether they were a good fit for him or not. Showing this level of comfort is where trust came into play.
After the foundation of friendship was solid, the interaction level became far more comfortable. This is where things went downhill.
An Unclaimed Status with Unresolved Feelings. #yourefu*ked
I promised myself I wouldn’t catch feelings.
I signed the contract.
I knew what I was getting into.
I told myself not to catch feelings.
Remember, you have to hold your own. I ironically believe catching feelings is a healthy sign you’re very much human. In this occasion, feelings will not last long. So save the tissues, get back to your grind and refocus why you signed the contract in the first place.
Meeting His Mom
Not much to say but awkward. I struggle to go into detail on this topic. First off, I’m not eager to meet a man’s parent(s) less I’m serious about him. Meeting his mom wasn’t on my agenda. Next.
When Does It End?
Time will tell exactly your next move. It’s obvious this type of lifestyle will not last forever. The sex will become mutual. The positions will be the same. His time limit will be predictable. You’ll know exactly how things will plan out.
Hopefully, you’ve had your fair share of exploration and will want to refocus on yourself as an individual and want to pursue your love life on a more mature, intimate level.
I think the best part of a FWB advice I could ever give is this:
“If you learn to be a true friend beyond the benefits, you will appreciate your friendship for a lifetime.”
N.U.D.E. // Naked Uncut Daily Empowerment. // “To provide a safe house for the many women.” #Nudist // Unclothe your mind reading naked thoughts